start before you're ready

first and foremost, I have no idea what I’m doing, not here, not anywhere, regarding anything, at all, ever. I also don’t know where to start or what to start with but here’s to doing it anyway.

I woke up one morning to news about Anthony Bourdain's death. I felt weird even though he wasn’t a man I paid much attention to, much less knew or really cared about. I realize now I felt weird because this was a man who did so much with his life and now can’t do any more. Anthony’s death was by suicide which hurt in another way that I won’t get into right now, but it was seeing everyone post about how much he did and that he wouldn’t be able to do what he did anymore that I couldn’t shake. a year and a half ago, someone I knew passed away very suddenly. this was a person that I envy for the way that they used to just do things. I mean, he would hang out with his friends and make art out of it. he wouldn't make them do anything special or anything out of the ordinary, but he still managed to make the most out of those situations and turn them into something dope as hell. if, two years ago, someone told me that he would be photographing the most important people in the world before he was 50, I would have bet my whole stupid life on it. I was so sure of his success and in his ability to just do things that I would have bet it all. I knew he would be great and I was so excited to see what he would get up to, but Luke died in 2017 and I won’t get to see him do any of it.

what can you do in the wake of a loss of someone’s life but celebrate the things they've done? celebrate may not be the right word to use here but you know what I mean. I look back at photographs Luke took often, more often than I probably should. I look at photographs and videos he took of his friends. I look at photographs he took of me at my prom and I feel beyond privileged that I even had the honour of being his subject. I think of how backwards it was that I was ever in a position of being a mentor to him; I’ve learned more from him than I could have ever taught. after he passed, a friend and I told ourselves we were going to do something in tribute to him, but we never did. I don’t blame us; we are just two people with big dreams and busy schedules.

what I think I’m trying to say is that I want to do more. I spent a small portion of my life doing a lot of photo stuff. this was years ago. I would shoot multiple times a week and be posting things here and there. I used to engulf myself in my photography and it took over my life and I was so happy with it. then I got busy with school because I finally started to take it seriously. I learned and learned and found something I really loved, and that occupied most of my time. I no longer had time to take and edit photographs, but I tried and couldn’t keep up with myself. I prioritized my education, and rightfully so, but with that came no free time to stare at a screen and edit photographs so I had shoots on shoots which I hoarded. and now I’ve been spending my time fostering interpersonal relationships with friends and the people around me so what time I had, aside from school, is spent there and I don't regret it one bit but what I’m learning is that I think I want to move closer into myself. I know myself, but I want to learn more. I’ve convinced myself the way to do that is through writing more, reading more, talking more, doing more, so here I am, trying to start.

I’m not so arrogant as to think I have much of value to say. I know I don't. I sure as shit know I don’t. I just don’t know what else to do but I know I want to do something, so I’m just going to start. I always feel a weird envy when I see that other people are doing things like posting to their blog or working on their art like, jealous that they have the time and motivation and then I feel worn down from that jealousy to the point where I don’t want to do anything. I’m not jealous over the things they do. frankly I see a lot of bullshit on the internet and I don’t give most of it the time of day. I hope and expect that this will chalked up into that category as well for most of you, but for those of you who are down for some introspection, some contemplation, some musings, here I am.



I started and stopped writing this a million times over the past few months. reading over it again, there's nothing substantial. I wanted to write something that might mean something. I still want to. my hesitation in posting this very unremarkable block of text grew out of that anxiety of wanting to write something that mattered but if I keep waiting till I feel like what I have to say might mean something, I’ll never start. so, I’m just going to do it.